Jokes?
 

2600 Woodbridge Ave. 
Edison, NJ  08818

• The first hospitality joke (deciphered from ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics & written by Henny Youngman, the king of the one-liners) 

    Customer:  Waiter, what's that fly doing in my soup?           

    Waiter:  The backstroke!

                                     ...... and it goes downhill from there.

• A sign at Lindy's Restaurant in the 1930's - "We do not serve women at the bar - you have to bring your own"

• Customer: Do you serve crabs here?  Waiter:  We serve anyone, sit down.

• Waiter:  We have everything on the menu today.  Customer:  I noticed.   Now get me a clean menu.

  ---

  Click here for computer jokes
   

  ---

  What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
  "Make me one with everything."

   This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs."

  "Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? 
  Great Food. No atmosphere."

  Guy goes to his doctor. He's got carrots in his nose, peas in his ears and a piece of corn stuck in his bellybutton. He tells the doctor, "I don't feel so good." Doc takes one look at him and says "I can see from here that you're just not eating right."

  So, last night, the wife and I decided to go out for a meal and after some deliberation decided to check out Red Palace, a Chinese restaurant that Triangle area Sinophiles have been raving about.

  We spent several minutes perusing the menu before finally agreeing to try the chef's special, Hakka Chicken Surprise, which was served in a lidded cast iron pot.

  Just as the wife was about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rose slightly and she briefly saw two beady little eyes peering out at her before the lid slammed back down.

  "Good grief, did you see that?" she exclaimed!

  I hadn't so she asked me to look in the pot.  Just as I started reaching for, it, the lid again rose for a brief instant, and two beady little eyes glared out at me before the lid slammed back down.

  Not believing what I just saw, I started to reach for the pot again, and again, the lid rose for an instant, two beady little eyes glared out at me, and then the lid slammed down.

  Perturbed, I called the waiter over and demanded an explanation.

  "What did you order?" asked the waiter.

   "We ordered the Hakka Chicken Surprise," the wife replied.

  "Ah!" exclaimed the waiter, "So sorry. My mistake. I thought you ordered the ..."

  (all together now)

  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .

  Peeking Duck.

  A hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender looks up, sees the hamburger, and yells out, "Hey, we don't serve food here!"

  How about the two friends having lunch at the local deli, and the one guy orders a tongue sandwich, his friend berates him, "How can you eat something that comes out of an animals mouth?"
  He then orders a fried egg sandwich!!!

  Are you Hungary?
  Yes, Siam!
  Well, Russia to the table...
  First Sweden my coffee,
  Denmark my bill!!

  Why didn't the blond make chocolate chip cookies? It was too much work to shell all those M&Ms.

  Customer: 'Waiter, what is this?"
  Waiter: "It's bean soup sir."
  Customer: "I know it's been soup but what is it now."

  Talk about getting spammed.  Watch this link.

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anwy2M...

  Practice safe eating- always use your condiments.

  I once went into an McDonalds in Effingham, Illinois and asked them if they had anything called an Effingham Burger... just so I could say "Give me my Effingham Burger!"

  Why did the students eat their homework?
  Because the teacher told them it would be a piece of cake.

   Bar jokes:

  A man walks into a bar. Ouch!

  Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have ducked.

  I had an uncle who was a magician;  he would walk down the street and turn into a bar.

  A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing eye dog. He picks up the dog by the hind legs and spins him around in a circle. The bartender yells: "Hey! What are you doing?"
  The man replies: "Oh, just having a look around."

  A dog limps into a bar with a bandage on his left front foot. He loudly growls to the room: "I'm lookin" for the man that shot my paw."

  A polar bear walks into a bar. Bartender asks: "What'll ya have?"
  Bear replies: "I'll have a gin, and..... uh..."
  Bear tries again: "I'll have a gin........and.....uh......"
  Bartender asks: "Why the big pause?"
  Bear looks down and says: "Just born with them, I guess..."

  Dad's favorite: he'd say it with a perfectly straight face:  "I'll have a honeymoon salad."
  Server (confused): "What's a honeymoon salad, sir?"
  "Lettuce alone."

  Why wouldn't the lobster share his things?
  He was shellfish.

   Young Hayseed lives across from a horse farm. The farmer was driving out unto the road with a load of horse "fertilizer".
  Hayseed saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"
  "Horse Manure," the farmer replied.
  "It stinks! What are you going to do with it?" asked Hayseed.
  "Put it on my strawberries," answered the farmer.
  "You ought to live here," Hayseed advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

  What did the cannibal's wife do when he walked in the door late for dinner?
  She gave him the cold shoulder!

  What do you call a cow with two legs shorter than the other?
  Lean beef.

  What do you call a cow with no legs?
  Ground beef.

  Q: How many chefs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Eight. One to screw in the the bulb and seven to stand around and say how they would have done it differently.

  Why would you never starve at the beach?
  Because you can eat all the sand which is there!!

  I have a beautiful antique chrome serving plate that I only use once a year when the family comes over for Christmas.
  Why only at Christmas?
  Because there is no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!

  A man is sitting alone in a bar when he hears a quite voice say "nice tie". He looks around and, seeing no-one, he assumes he imagined it. A moment later the voice whispers "great haircut". Alarmed, the man calls the bartender over to tell him what happened. The bartender says "It's probably the peanuts. They're complimentary".

  A rabbi sits on a park bench and starting eating a matzoh. A blind man sits next to him, and in the spirit of charity, the rabbi breaks his matzoh in half and gives half to the blind man. A few minutes later, the blind man says to the rabbi, "Who wrote this crap?"

  The Potato family is happy their daughter is coming home from NY. Father Potato is an Idaho State Fair prize winning Russet. Mama Potato is a 4H Club Blue Ribbon winning New Potato. Dad asks daughter "How is NY?" Daughter replies "NY is great. I love NY, I love my apartment and I love my job. More good news I am engaged to marry Dan Rather." Father Potato thunders "Are you crazy? We are potato royalty, there is no way we can let our daughter marry a commentator."

  Q- Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?
  A- Because he couldn't "concentrate".

  Q: What do you give an injured lemon?
  A: Lemonade  

  Q. Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
  A. He was feeling crummy!

  What's a doll's favorite food?
  Barbie-Q!

  Q: What did one strawberry say to the other?
  A: "Look at the jam you've gotten us into!"

  I went to see my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking.
  What did he say?
  He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate.
  Did that do any good?
  No - I can't get the chocolate to light.

  Why did the biscuit cry?
  Because its mother had been a wafer so long.

  Q. What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating?
  A. Finding half a worm.

  A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for
  her family.
  She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
  The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

  Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

  One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
  Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
  Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
  Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
  Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

  ---

  A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles year.
  
  Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
  
  That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
  
  Kind of makes you proud to be American. 

  ---

  The Value of a Drink

  "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
  I feel shame.  Then I look into the glass and think
  about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
  and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
  of work and their dreams would be shattered. 

  Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
  dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
  ~ Jack Handy

  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
  happened to your clothes.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
  wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
  going to feel all day. "
  ~Frank Sinatra

  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
  ~ Henny Youngman

  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
  ~ Stephen Wright

  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
  we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
  When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
  get drunk and go to heaven!"
  ~ Brian O'Rourke

  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
  ~ Benjamin Franklin

  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  "Without question, the greatest invention in the
  history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
  wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
  not go nearly as well with pizza."
  ~ Dave Barry

  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
  ~Dave Howell

  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

  One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
  Here's how it went:

  "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminate s the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

  ---

  
  OH BE QUIET, - - - I DON' T WRITE THESE, I JUST FORWARD 'EM SO WE CAN ALL SUFFER!  LOL

  
  * I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  
  * Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  
  * Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
  
  * The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
  
  * To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
  
  * When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
  
  * The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  
  * A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  
  * A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
  
  * Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
  
  * We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
  
  * When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
  
  * The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
  
  * The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
  
  * The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
  
  * If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
  
  * A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
   
  * What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
  
  * A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
  
  * Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  
  * A backward poet writes inverse.
  
  * In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
  
  * A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
  
  * If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
  
  * With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  
  * Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A -flat miner.
   
  * When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  
  * The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
  
  * A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
  
  * You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  
  * He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  
  * A calendar's days are numbered.
  
  * A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
  
  * A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  
  * He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  
  * A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  
  * Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  
  * When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
  
  * When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
  
  * Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  
  * Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  
  * Acupuncture: a jab well done

  ---

  Super Bowl

  A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
  
  "No," he says, "The seat is empty."
  
  "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"  
  
  He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1970."
  
  "Oh  ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
  
  The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
   

  ---

  Spread the Stupidity 
  
  Only in America.... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front door.
  
  Only in America.... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
  
  Only in America.... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
  
  Only in America.... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
  
  Only in America.... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
  
  Only in America .... do we use the word

  'politics' to describe the process so well:

   'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

   

  Only in America.... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

   

  EVER WONDER....

  Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
  
  Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

  Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
  
  Why do doctors call what they do 'practice'?

   

  Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, & dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

  Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  
  Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

  Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  
  Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
  
  Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

  You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
  
  Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 
  
  Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
  
  If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
  
  If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
   

  ---

  Cup of Tea  by Martha Stewart

  One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

  I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

  Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

  Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

  After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

  My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'  My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

  Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)  "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a baby can reach to get water is the toilet?"

  ---

   

  A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.  Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
  
  'Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,'
  They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast!!
  
  They had a wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed.
  Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know, 'he said, 'you are the perfect woman.
  
  Are you this nice to every guy you meet?
  'No, 'she replies.
  
  
  You just happened to catch my eye.
  (Oh just get over it!)

  ---

A new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. 'Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

'Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it.'

'Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force.  What did they say if you came in late there?'

'They said, 'Good morning, General.'

Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
 
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
 

Why, Why, Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dying?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? OR.....

How DO they get Teflon to stick to that frying pan if nothing sticks to it?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Hotel Stuff (A day at the desk)

• A farmer who went to New York City to see the sights for the first time asked the hotel's clerk about the meal plan. 

"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, lunch from 12 to 3 and dinner from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.

"Look here", said the farmer in surprise, "When am I going to have time to see the city?"

• A man checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room.  Five minutes later he calls the desk and says, "You've given me a room with no exit.  How do I leave?"

The GSR says, "Sir that's absurd.  Have you looked for the door?"

The man replies, "Well there's one door that leads to the bathroom.  There's a second door that goes into the closet.  And, there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on it............."

• The hotel I stayed in was so small...... How small was it?  It was so small I had to leave the room to change my mind!!

Subject: Business Management 101

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling along a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure Chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."  The waiter says, "Whoa, Chief! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.  What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for management position:  Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day"

Adventure with the Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.  After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.  Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,  "Kemo Sabe, (look towards sky), what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.  Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.  Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small  and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it seems  we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says,   "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo chips.   Someone stole our tent."

The Pillsbury Doughboy is dead!
      Farewell to an old friend. It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.
      The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch, and many others.
      Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.
      Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
 

For the Lexophiles (word lovers)

• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

• If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

• A grenade thrown into a French kitchen would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

• Every calendar's days are numbered.

• A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

• When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

• Bakers trade recipes on a knead to know basis.

Bad Classified ads - Be careful of your wording!

• Auto Repair Service - "Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again".

• Dog for Sale - Eats anything and is fond of children.

• Help wanted - Man to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.

Huh??!! - Makes you wonder how these people can survive!!!

#1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.  I asked for a half dozen nuggets.  "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#2. I have actually had people in the BUS 107 Computer Applications for Business class ask "Where is the any key?".  Puzzled, I asked why they needed such a key.  The reply, "The computer says, "Press any key".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#3. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker.  Now I can't get into my car.  Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno.  Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.  It's a long walk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#4. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.  One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.  What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#5. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage.  The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened.  He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
 

It Just Makes Sense!

• When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."-- Author Unknown

• Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
   "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"  --Author Unknown

• "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -- Drew Carey

• "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," -- Rod Stewart

• "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." -- Paula Poundstone

• "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."  -- Johnny Carson

• Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.  -- Unknown, presumed deceased.

Cats and Dogs

From a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00 a.m.     Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite!
9:30 a.m.     Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favorite!
9:40 a.m.     Oh Boy! A Walk! My Favorite!
10:30 a.m.   Oh Boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My Favorite!
11:30 a.m.   Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite!
Noon           Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favorite!
1:00 p.m.    Oh Boy! The Yard! My Favorite!
4:00 p.m.    Oh Boy! To the Park! My Favorite!
5:00 p.m.    Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite!
5:30 p.m.    Oh Boy! Pretty Mums! My Favorite!
6:00 p.m.    Oh Boy! Playing Ball! My Favorite!
6:30 p.m.    Oh Boy! Watching TV with my Master! My Favorite!
8:30 p.m.    Oh Boy! Sleeping in Master's Bed! My Favorite!

From a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 183 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal.  They only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild scolding I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs.  In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event.  However, I could hear the noise and smell of food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." I must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time........

Conversions and Equivalents

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter - Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton

One millionth of a mouthwash = one microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and hitting the pavement = One bananosecond.

Half of a large intestine; One semicolon

One million aches = One megahurtz

One million microphones = One megaphone

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

Ten Cards = One decacards

One millionth of a fish = One microfiche

Eight nickels = Two paradigms

Time for Blonde Jokes

KIDNAPPING

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy,took him behind a tree and wrote a note.  "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money.  Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM."
Signed, "The Blonde."  She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.  Inside the bag with the cash was the following note.

"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
 

RIVER WALK  

There's this blonde out for a walk.  She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.  "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"  The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

 IN A VACUUM

 A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.  It was her turn.  She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.  Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"  She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Pregnant Blonde

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."  She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!

I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"  Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said.....    (You're going to love this!)

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

 A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.  The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.  Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"   "HellOOOooo," answered the blond.  "They're watch dogs."

Very Punny!

• Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

• An invisible man married an invisible woman.  The kids were nothing to look at either.

• I went to a seafood disco the other night -- and pulled a mussel.

• A jumper cable walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

• A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:  " A beer please, and one for the road."

• A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....

• Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.  The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great!

• A woman sends her friend her ten best puns hoping that her friend would get a laugh from at least one of them.  No pun in ten did!

• What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?  Polaroid's

• What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?  A stick .

• What do you call Santa's helpers?  Subordinate clauses.

• What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?  A nervous wreck.

• What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?  -  Quattro Sinko!

• Where do you find a dog with no legs? - Right where you left him

• What do you call a man with a car on his head?  Jack

• What do you call a young woman with one leg shorter than the other?  Eileen

• How do you catch a unique rabbit?   Unique up on it.

• How do you catch a tame rabbit?  Tame way, unique up on it.

• How do crazy people go through the forest?  They take the psycho path.

• What do you call cheese that isn't yours?  - Nacho cheese

• What do you get from a pampered cow? - Spoiled milk

• What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?  - Anyone can roast beef.

• What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?  - Sanka

• How do you get holy water?   You boil the hell out of it.

• What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?  Dam!