The First Hospitality Joke

Deciphered from ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics.

Written by Henny Youngman, the king of the one-liners) 

Customer:  Waiter, what's that fly doing in my soup?           

    Waiter:  The backstroke!             

                                     ...... and it goes downhill from there.


  • A sign at Lindy's Restaurant in the 1930's - "We do not serve women at the bar - you have to bring your own"

  • Customer: Do you serve crabs here?  Waiter:  We serve anyone, sit down.

  • Waiter:  We have everything on the menu today.  Customer:  I noticed.   Now get me a clean menu.


  • Super Bowl

    A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

    "No," he says, "The seat is empty."

    "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"  

    He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1970."

    "Oh  ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

    The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."


What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."

This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs."

"Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? 
Great Food. No atmosphere."

Guy goes to his doctor. He's got carrots in his nose, peas in his ears and a piece of corn stuck in his bellybutton. He tells the doctor, "I don't feel so good." Doc takes one look at him and says "I can see from here that you're just not eating right."

So, last night, the wife and I decided to go out for a meal and after some deliberation decided to check out Red Palace, a Chinese restaurant that Triangle area Sinophiles have been raving about.

We spent several minutes perusing the menu before finally agreeing to try the chef's special, Hakka Chicken Surprise, which was served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife was about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rose slightly and she briefly saw two beady little eyes peering out at her before the lid slammed back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she exclaimed!

I hadn't so she asked me to look in the pot.  Just as I started reaching for, it, the lid again rose for a brief instant, and two beady little eyes glared out at me before the lid slammed back down.

Not believing what I just saw, I started to reach for the pot again, and again, the lid rose for an instant, two beady little eyes glared out at me, and then the lid slammed down.

Perturbed, I called the waiter over and demanded an explanation.

"What did you order?" asked the waiter.

 "We ordered the Hakka Chicken Surprise," the wife replied.

"Ah!" exclaimed the waiter, "So sorry. My mistake. I thought you ordered the ..."

(all together now)

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Peeking Duck.

A hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender looks up, sees the hamburger, and yells out, "Hey, we don't serve food here!"

How about the two friends having lunch at the local deli, and the one guy orders a tongue sandwich, his friend berates him, "How can you eat something that comes out of an animals mouth?"
He then orders a fried egg sandwich!!!

Are you Hungary?
Yes, Siam!
Well, Russia to the table...
First Sweden my coffee,
Denmark my bill!!

Why didn't the blond make chocolate chip cookies? It was too much work to shell all those M&Ms.

Customer: 'Waiter, what is this?"
Waiter: "It's bean soup sir."
Customer: "I know it's been soup but what is it now."

Talk about getting spammed.  Watch this link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anwy2M...

Practice safe eating- always use your condiments.

I once went into an McDonalds in Effingham, Illinois and asked them if they had anything called an Effingham Burger... just so I could say "Give me my Effingham Burger!"

Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher told them it would be a piece of cake.

Bar jokes:

A man walks into a bar. Ouch!

Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have ducked.

I had an uncle who was a magician;  he would walk down the street and turn into a bar.

A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing eye dog. He picks up the dog by the hind legs and spins him around in a circle. The bartender yells: "Hey! What are you doing?"
The man replies: "Oh, just having a look around."

A dog limps into a bar with a bandage on his left front foot. He loudly growls to the room: "I'm lookin" for the man that shot my paw."

A polar bear walks into a bar. Bartender asks: "What'll ya have?"
Bear replies: "I'll have a gin, and..... uh..."
Bear tries again: "I'll have a gin........and.....uh......"
Bartender asks: "Why the big pause?"
Bear looks down and says: "Just born with them, I guess..."

Dad's favorite: he'd say it with a perfectly straight face:  "I'll have a honeymoon salad."
Server (confused): "What's a honeymoon salad, sir?"
"Lettuce alone."

Why wouldn't the lobster share his things?
He was shellfish.

 Young Hayseed lives across from a horse farm. The farmer was driving out unto the road with a load of horse "fertilizer".
Hayseed saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"
"Horse Manure," the farmer replied.
"It stinks! What are you going to do with it?" asked Hayseed.
"Put it on my strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," Hayseed advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

What did the cannibal's wife do when he walked in the door late for dinner?
She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do you call a cow with two legs shorter than the other?
Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

Q: How many chefs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to screw in the the bulb and seven to stand around and say how they would have done it differently.

Why would you never starve at the beach?
Because you can eat all the sand which is there!!

I have a beautiful antique chrome serving plate that I only use once a year when the family comes over for Christmas.
Why only at Christmas?
Because there is no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!

A man is sitting alone in a bar when he hears a quite voice say "nice tie". He looks around and, seeing no-one, he assumes he imagined it. A moment later the voice whispers "great haircut". Alarmed, the man calls the bartender over to tell him what happened. The bartender says "It's probably the peanuts. They're complimentary".

A rabbi sits on a park bench and starting eating a matzoh. A blind man sits next to him, and in the spirit of charity, the rabbi breaks his matzoh in half and gives half to the blind man. A few minutes later, the blind man says to the rabbi, "Who wrote this crap?"

The Potato family is happy their daughter is coming home from NY. Father Potato is an Idaho State Fair prize winning Russet. Mama Potato is a 4H Club Blue Ribbon winning New Potato. Dad asks daughter "How is NY?" Daughter replies "NY is great. I love NY, I love my apartment and I love my job. More good news I am engaged to marry Dan Rather." Father Potato thunders "Are you crazy? We are potato royalty, there is no way we can let our daughter marry a commentator."

Q- Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?
A- Because he couldn't "concentrate".

Q: What do you give an injured lemon?
A: Lemonade  

Q. Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A. He was feeling crummy!

What's a doll's favorite food?
Barbie-Q!

Q: What did one strawberry say to the other?
A: "Look at the jam you've gotten us into!"

I went to see my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking.
What did he say?
He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate.

Did that do any good?
No - I can't get the chocolate to light.

Why did the biscuit cry?
Because its mother had been a wafer so long.

Q. What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating?
A. Finding half a worm.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for
her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"


A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be American. 


The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame.  Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams
If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. 

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminate s the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not



OH BE QUIET, - - - I DON' T WRITE THESE, I JUST FORWARD 'EM SO WE CAN ALL SUFFER!  LOL


* She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

* A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

*  Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

* No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

* A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

* The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

* A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

* A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

* Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Police are investigating a toilet missing from police headquarters.  They don't have anything to go on.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

* Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

* If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
 
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A -flat miner.
 
* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

* A calendar's days are numbered.

* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

* I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

* Acupuncture: a jab well done.


Spread the Stupidity 

Only in America.... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front door.

Only in America.... do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America.... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to
the counters.

Only in America.... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


Only in America.
... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


Only in America
.... do we use the word
'politics' to describe the process so well:
 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
 
Only in America.... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
 
EVER WONDER....

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why do doctors call what they do 'practice'?
 
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, & dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two
mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for
lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 


Cup of Tea  by Martha Stewart

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'  My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)  "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a baby can reach to get water is the toilet?"


 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.  Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,'
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast!!

They had a wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed.
Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know, 'he said, 'you are the perfect woman.

Are you this nice to every guy you meet?
'No, 'she replies.



You just happened to catch my eye.
(Oh just get over it!)

A new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. 'Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

'Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it.'


'Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force.  What did they say if you came in late there?'

'They said,
'Good morning, General.'


This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I' m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting..

Please scroll down .....



























Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society...


Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
 
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
 


A Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.  As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away. 

The distressed owner wailed,
"Are you sure"?

"Yes, I am sure.  The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure"?  She protested.  "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything.  He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.  As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.  He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out of the room, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot.  The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.  The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. 
 

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.  "$150!" she cried "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead"?   

The vet shrugged.  "I'm sorry.  If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150.


Why, Why, Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dying?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? OR.....

How DO they get Teflon to stick to that frying pan if nothing sticks to it?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

If we’re not supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made out of meat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.


  • A few words from comedian STEVEN WRIGHT:

    All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

    I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

    OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
    something.

    Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

    When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

    Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

    Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

    Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

    I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

    Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

    Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

    I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

    Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

    The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

    The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

    The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

    The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

    Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

    A fool and his money are soon partying.

    Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

    If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

    I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

    Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

    Half the people you know are below average.

    42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.


Aging Gracefully

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well  groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.  The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor  said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went ! into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a  new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly"

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."   "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.  However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.  On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.  "I don't know," he said.  "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."


Hotel Stuff (A day at the desk)

  • A farmer who went to New York City to see the sights for the first time asked the hotel's clerk about the meal plan. 

 

"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, lunch from 12 to 3 and dinner from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.

 

"Look here", said the farmer in surprise, "When am I going to have time to see the city?"

 

  • A man checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room.  Five minutes later he calls the desk and says, "You've given me a room with no exit.  How do I leave?"

 

The GSR says, "Sir that's absurd.  Have you looked for the door?"

 

The man replies, "Well there's one door that leads to the bathroom.  There's a second door that goes into the closet.  And, there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on it............."

 

  • The hotel I stayed in was so small...... How small was it?  It was so small I had to leave the room to change my mind!!

The Pillsbury Doughboy is dead!
      Farewell to an old friend. It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.
      The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch, and many others.
      Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.
      Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
 


Real Signs

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit!  Stay!"
 
At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
 

Bad Classified ads - Be careful of your wording!

  • Auto Repair Service - "Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again".

  • Dog for Sale - Eats anything and is fond of children.

  • Help wanted - Man to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.


Huh??!! - Makes you wonder how these people can survive!!!

#1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.  I asked for a half dozen nuggets.  "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#2. I have actually had people in the CSC 105 Computer Applications and System class ask "Where is the any key?".  Puzzled, I asked why they needed such a key.  The reply, "The computer says, "Press any key".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#3. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker.  Now I can't get into my car.  Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno.  Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.  It's a long walk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#4. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.  One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.  What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#5. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage.  The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened.  He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
 


It Just Makes Sense!

  • When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."-- Author Unknown

  • Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
     "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"  --Author Unknown

  • "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -- Drew Carey

  • "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," -- Rod Stewart

  • "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." -- Paula Poundstone

  • "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."  -- Johnny Carson

  • Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.  -- Unknown, presumed deceased.


The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite, words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet! Not a peep was heard for over a minute! Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the difference in his attitude and as he was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the bird continued......"May I ask what the Turkey did?"


Cats and Dogs

From a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00 a.m.     Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite!
9:30 a.m.     Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favorite!
9:40 a.m.     Oh Boy! A Walk! My Favorite!
10:30 a.m.   Oh Boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My Favorite!
11:30 a.m.   Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite!
Noon           Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favorite!
1:00 p.m.    Oh Boy! The Yard! My Favorite!
4:00 p.m.    Oh Boy! To the Park! My Favorite!
5:00 p.m.    Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite!
5:30 p.m.    Oh Boy! Pretty Mums! My Favorite!
6:00 p.m.    Oh Boy! Playing Ball! My Favorite!
6:30 p.m.    Oh Boy! Watching TV with my Master! My Favorite!
8:30 p.m.    Oh Boy! Sleeping in Master's Bed! My Favorite!

From a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 183 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal.  They only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild scolding I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs.  In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event.  However, I could hear the noise and smell of food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." I must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time........


Conversions and Equivalents

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter - Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton

One millionth of a mouthwash = one microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and hitting the pavement = One bananosecond.

Half of a large intestine; One semicolon

One million aches = One megahurtz

One million microphones = One megaphone

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

Ten Cards = One decacards

One millionth of a fish = One microfiche

Eight nickels = Two paradigms


Time for Blonde Jokes

KIDNAPPING

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy,took him behind a tree and wrote a note.  "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money.  Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM."
Signed, "The Blonde."  She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.  Inside the bag with the cash was the following note.

"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
 

RIVER WALK  

There's this blonde out for a walk.  She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.  "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"  The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

 IN A VACUUM

 A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.  It was her turn.  She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.  Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"  She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Pregnant Blonde

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."  She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!

I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"  Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said.....    (You're going to love this!)

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

 A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.  The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.  Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"   "HellOOOooo," answered the blond.  "They're watch dogs."

 


  • Flighty!  All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

    1.   On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people, we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

    2.   On a Continental Flight, with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

    3.   On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

    4.   "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

    5.   "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

    6.    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

    7.    After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

    8.    From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa : To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

    9.    "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

    If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

    10.    "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines"

    11.    "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

    12.    "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

    13.     And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

    14.    Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

    15.    Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .  Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

    16.    Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

    17.  An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"  "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot.  "What is it?"  The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

    18.  After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.  And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

    19.    Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

    20    Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em"

    21.    A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to  Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax....OH, MY GOD!"   Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!"  A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing.   You should see the back of mine!"


Very Punny!

  • Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

  • An invisible man married an invisible woman.  The kids were nothing to look at either.

  • I went to a seafood disco the other night -- and pulled a mussel.

  • A jumper cable walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

  • A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:  " A beer please, and one for the road."

  • A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....

  • Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.  The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great!

  • A woman sends her friend her ten best puns hoping that her friend would get a laugh from at least one of them.  No pun in ten did!

  • What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?  Polaroid's

  • What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?  A stick .

  • What do you call Santa's helpers?  Subordinate clauses.

  • What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?  A nervous wreck.

  • What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?  -  Quattro Sinko!

  • Where do you find a dog with no legs? - Right where you left him

  • What do you call a man with a car on his head?  Jack

  • What do you call a young woman with one leg shorter than the other?  Eileen

  • How do you catch a unique rabbit?   Unique up on it.

  • How do you catch a tame rabbit?  Tame way, unique up on it.

  • How do crazy people go through the forest?  They take the psycho path.

  • What do you call cheese that isn't yours?  - Nacho cheese

  • What do you get from a pampered cow? - Spoiled milk

  • What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?  - Anyone can roast beef.

  • What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?  - Sanka

  • How do you get holy water?   You boil the hell out of it.

  • What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?  Dam!