did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says,
"Doc, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And the
doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I
would, but I need the eggs."
you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great Food. No atmosphere."
goes to his doctor. He's got carrots in his nose, peas in his
ears and a piece of corn stuck in his bellybutton. He tells the
doctor, "I don't feel so good." Doc takes one look at him and
says "I can see from here that you're just not eating right."
last night, the wife and I decided to go out for a meal and
after some deliberation decided to check out Red Palace, a
Chinese restaurant that Triangle area Sinophiles have been
spent several minutes perusing the menu before finally agreeing
to try the chef's special, Hakka Chicken Surprise, which was
served in a lidded cast iron pot.
as the wife was about to start in on the meal, the lid of the
pot rose slightly and she briefly saw two beady little eyes
peering out at her before the lid slammed back down.
grief, did you see that?" she exclaimed!
hadn't so she asked me to look in the pot. Just as I started
reaching for, it, the lid again rose for a brief instant, and
two beady little eyes glared out at me before the lid slammed
believing what I just saw, I started to reach for the pot again,
and again, the lid rose for an instant, two beady little eyes
glared out at me, and then the lid slammed down.
Perturbed, I called the waiter over and demanded an explanation.
did you order?" asked the waiter.
ordered the Hakka Chicken Surprise," the wife replied.
exclaimed the waiter, "So sorry. My mistake. I thought you
ordered the ..."
hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender looks up, sees the
hamburger, and yells out, "Hey, we don't serve food here!"
about the two friends having lunch at the local deli, and the
one guy orders a tongue sandwich, his friend berates him, "How
can you eat something that comes out of an animals mouth?"
He then orders a fried egg sandwich!!!
Well, Russia to the table...
First Sweden my coffee,
Denmark my bill!!
didn't the blond make chocolate chip cookies? It was too much
work to shell all those M&Ms.
Customer: 'Waiter, what is this?"
Waiter: "It's bean soup sir."
Customer: "I know it's been soup but what is it now."
about getting spammed. Watch this link.
Practice safe eating- always use your condiments.
once went into an McDonalds in Effingham, Illinois and asked
them if they had anything called an Effingham Burger... just so
I could say "Give me my Effingham Burger!"
did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher told them it would be a piece of cake.
walks into a bar. Ouch!
men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have
an uncle who was a magician; he would walk down the street and
turn into a bar.
blind man walks into a bar with a seeing eye dog. He picks up
the dog by the hind legs and spins him around in a circle. The
bartender yells: "Hey! What are you doing?"
The man replies: "Oh, just having a look around."
limps into a bar with a bandage on his left front foot. He
loudly growls to the room: "I'm lookin" for the man that shot my
polar bear walks into a bar. Bartender asks: "What'll ya have?"
Bear replies: "I'll have a gin, and..... uh..."
Bear tries again: "I'll have a gin........and.....uh......"
Bartender asks: "Why the big pause?"
Bear looks down and says: "Just born with them, I guess..."
favorite: he'd say it with a perfectly straight face: "I'll
have a honeymoon salad."
Server (confused): "What's a honeymoon salad, sir?"
wouldn't the lobster share his things?
He was shellfish.
Hayseed lives across from a horse farm. The farmer was driving
out unto the road with a load of horse "fertilizer".
Hayseed saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"
"Horse Manure," the farmer replied.
"It stinks! What are you going to do with it?" asked Hayseed.
"Put it on my strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," Hayseed advised him. "We put sugar and
cream on ours."
What did the cannibal's wife do when he
walked in the door late for dinner?
She gave him the cold shoulder!
do you call a cow with two legs shorter than the other?
do you call a cow with no legs?
How many chefs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to screw in the the bulb and seven to stand around
and say how they would have done it differently.
would you never starve at the beach?
Because you can eat all the sand which is there!!
have a beautiful antique chrome serving plate that I only use
once a year when the family comes over for Christmas.
Why only at Christmas?
Because there is no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!
A man is sitting alone in a bar when he
hears a quite voice say "nice tie". He looks around and, seeing
no-one, he assumes he imagined it. A moment later the voice
whispers "great haircut". Alarmed, the man calls the bartender
over to tell him what happened. The bartender says "It's
probably the peanuts. They're complimentary".
rabbi sits on a park bench and starting eating a matzoh. A blind
man sits next to him, and in the spirit of charity, the rabbi
breaks his matzoh in half and gives half to the blind man. A few
minutes later, the blind man says to the rabbi, "Who wrote this
Potato family is happy their daughter is coming home from NY.
Father Potato is an Idaho State Fair prize winning Russet. Mama
Potato is a 4H Club Blue Ribbon winning New Potato. Dad asks
daughter "How is NY?" Daughter replies "NY is great. I love NY,
I love my apartment and I love my job. More good news I am
engaged to marry Dan Rather." Father Potato thunders "Are you
crazy? We are potato royalty, there is no way we can let our
daughter marry a commentator."
Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?
A- Because he couldn't "concentrate".
What do you give an injured lemon?
Q. Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A. He was feeling crummy!
What's a doll's favorite food?
Q: What did one strawberry say to the other?
A: "Look at the jam you've gotten us into!"
I went to see my doctor to see if he could
help me give up smoking.
What did he say?
He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach
for a bar of chocolate.
Did that do any good?
No - I can't get the chocolate to light.
Why did the biscuit cry?
Because its mother had been a wafer so long.
Q. What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating?
A. Finding half a worm.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but couldn't find one big enough for
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant
for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill
quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you
going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is
what you want, right?"
A recent study found the average American
walks about 900 miles year.
Another study found Americans drink, on
average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41
miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud to be American.
The Value of a Drink
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their
I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this
wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my
~ Jack Handy
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the
illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and
better looking than most people.
read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
think people are laughing WITH you.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
think you can sing.
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like a retard.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
tell your friends over and over again that you love
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
Salvation in a can!
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think
you can logically converse with members of the opposite
sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff
Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining
the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo
can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first This natural selection
is good for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by
the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the
same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as
we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks
the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way,
regular consumption of beer eliminate s the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think
you are whispering when you are not
OH BE QUIET, - - - I DON' T WRITE THESE, I JUST FORWARD
'EM SO WE CAN ALL SUFFER! LOL
* She was only a
whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep
off the Grass.'
Two hydrogen atoms
meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says
'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Atheism is a
No matter how much
you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to
puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
The soldier who
survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm
sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
I wondered why the
baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* A hole has been
found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
A rubber band pistol
was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a
weapon of math disruption.
silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Police were called to
a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Police are investigating a toilet missing from police
headquarters. They don't have anything to go on.
* Did you hear about
the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all
* Two hats were
hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
The roundest knight
at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.
* Did you hear about
the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
If you jumped off the
bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .
To write with a
broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in
schools they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune
teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
* A thief who stole a
calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell and
broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
* Thieves who steal
corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out
of math teachers because they always multiply.
* When the smog lifts
in Los Angeles, U C L A.
* The math professor
went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The professor
discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
* The dead batteries
were given out free of charge.
* If you take a
laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a
manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* What's the
definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
* A bicycle can't
stand alone; it is two tired.
* Time flies like an
arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
* A backward poet
* In a democracy it's
your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count
* A chicken crossing
the road: poultry in motion.
* If you don't pay
your exorcist you can get repossessed.
* With her marriage
she got a new name and a dress.
* Show me a piano
falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A -flat
* When a clock is
hungry it goes back four seconds.
* The guy who fell
onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
* A grenade fell onto
a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum
* You are stuck with
your debt if you can't budge it.
* He broke into song
because he couldn't find the key.
* A calendar's days
* A lot of money is
tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
* A boiled egg is
hard to beat.
* He had a
photographic memory which was never developed.
* A plateau is a high
form of flattery.
* Those who get too
big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
* When you've seen
one shopping center you've seen a mall.
* When she saw her
first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
* I thought I saw an
eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be
an optical Aleutian .
Bakers trade bread
recipes on a knead to know basis.
* Santa's helpers are
* Acupuncture: a jab
Spread the Stupidity
Only in America.... do drugstores make
the sick walk all the way to the back of
the store to get their prescriptions
while healthy people can buy cigarettes
at the front door.
Only in America.... do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a
Only in America.... do banks
leave both doors open and then chain the
Only in America.... do we leave
cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the
Only in America....
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America
.... do we use the word
'politics' to describe the process so
'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many'
and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
Only in America.... do they have
drive-up ATM machines with Braille
Why women can't put on mascara with their
Why don't you ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long
Why do doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial
flavor, & dishwashing liquid made with
Why is the man who invests all your
money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two
Why do they sterilize the needle for
You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they
are all stuck together?
If con is
the opposite of pro, is Congress the
opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?
Cup of Tea
One day my
mother was out and my dad was in charge of
I was maybe 2
1/2 years old and had just recovered from an
given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well
gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in
the living room engrossed in the evening
news when I brought Daddy a little cup of
'tea', which was just water.
cups of tea and lots of praise for such
yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her
wait in the living room to watch me bring
him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the
cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with a cup
of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink
Then she says,
(as only a mother would know... :) "Did it
ever occur to you that the only place that a
baby can reach to get water is the toilet?"
A man is dining in a fancy
restaurant and there is a
gorgeous redhead sitting at
the next table. He has been
checking her out since he
sat down, but lacks the
nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and
her glass eye comes flying
out of its socket toward the
man. He reflexively reaches
out, grabs it out of the
air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry, the
woman says as she pops her
eye back in place. 'Let me
buy your dinner to make it
up to you,'
They enjoy a wonderful
dinner together, and
afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she
shares her deepest dreams
and he shares his.
She listens. After paying
for everything, she asks him
if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and
stay for breakfast!!
They had a wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks
a gourmet meal with all the
trimmings. The guy is
Everything had been SO
incredible! 'You know, 'he
said, 'you are the perfect
Are you this nice to every
guy you meet?
'No, 'she replies.
You just happened to catch
(Oh just get over it!)
A new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart just couldn't seem
to get to work on time. Every day 5, 10, 15 minutes
late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the
Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called him into the office for a
talk. 'Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work
ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so
often is quite bothersome."
'Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it.'
'Well good, you are a team
player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though,
your coming in late. I know you're retired from the
Air Force. What did they say if you came in late
'Good morning, General.'
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever
printed. It is reported to have been listed in the
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship,
ethnicity unimportant. I' m a very good girl who
LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and
fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your
hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home
from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call
(404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting..
Please scroll down .....
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the
Atlanta Humane Society...
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living
room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a
vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my
A Dead Duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed
distressed owner wailed,
"Are you sure"?
"Yes, I am
sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure"?
"I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or
anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room,
and returned a few moments later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put
his front paws on the examination table and sniffed
the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out of the room,
and returned a few moments later with a cat.
jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately
at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead
vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried.
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead"?
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with
the lab report and the cat scan, it's
Why, Why, Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know
the batteries are dying?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds"
when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are
four billion stars, but check when you say the paint
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? OR.....
How DO they get Teflon to stick to that frying pan
if nothing sticks to it?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator
with hopes that something new to eat will have
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen
times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down,
pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end
on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch
something that's falling off the table you always
manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as
it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
If we’re not supposed to eat animals, how come
they’re made out of meat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every
four persons is suffering from some sort of mental
illness. Think of your three best friends -- if
they're okay, then it's you.
A few words from
All those who believe in psycho kinesis
raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she
left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible
If everything seems to be going well, you
have obviously overlooked
Support bacteria - they're the only culture
some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're
in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having
enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness
pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some
just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the
Many people quit looking for work when they
find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to
buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get
sucked into jet engines.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind
gets pretty crowded.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading
my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death
I used to have an open mind but my brains
kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made
your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then
skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got
tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until
just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your
body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional
to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to
To steal ideas from one person is
plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
You never really learn to swear until you
learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there
is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of
The sooner you fall behind, the more time
you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a
If you must choose between two evils, pick
the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try
missing a couple of payments.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the
speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't
expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up
on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your
other parts feel so good.
very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well
dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit,
flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good
after shave, presenting a well looked-after
image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady,
(mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits
along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip,
turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing
problems for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor was able to have him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed
the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly
gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and
the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your
family must be really pleased that you can hear
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my
family yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations. I've changed my will three
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's
house, and after eating, the wives left the
table and went ! into the kitchen. The two
gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last
night we went out to a new restaurant and it
was really great. I would recommend it very
The other man said, "What is the name of the
restaurant?" The first man thought and thought
and finally said, "What is the name of that
flower you give to someone you love? You know...
the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you
mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then
turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose,
what's the name of that restaurant we went to
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for
patients being discharged. However, while
working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the
bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he
didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he
reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was
meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's
still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of
her hospital gown."
Hotel Stuff (A day at the desk)
"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, lunch from 12 to
3 and dinner from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.
"Look here", said the farmer in surprise, "When am I
going to have time to see the city?"
The GSR says, "Sir that's absurd. Have you looked
for the door?"
The man replies, "Well there's one door that leads
to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes
into the closet. And, there's a door I haven't
tried, but it has a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on
The Pillsbury Doughboy is
Farewell to an old
friend. It is with the saddest heart that I have to
pass on the following news about a great American
icon. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury
Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection
and complications from repeated pokes to the belly.
He was 71.
The graveside was piled high with flours as
longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy,
describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much
he was kneaded. Dozens of celebrities turned out,
including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins,
Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies,
Captain Crunch, and many others.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but
his later life was filled with many turnovers. He
was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much
of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a
little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he
was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play
Dough. They have two children and one in the oven.
Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
Bad Classified ads - Be careful of
Auto Repair Service - "Try us once, you'll never
go anywhere again".
Dog for Sale - Eats anything and is fond of
Help wanted - Man to work in dynamite factory.
Must be willing to travel.
Huh??!! - Makes you wonder how these
people can survive!!!
#1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the
menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12
Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said
the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six
I have actually had people in the CSC 105 Computer
Applications and System class ask "Where is the
any key?". Puzzled, I asked why they needed
such a key. The reply, "The computer says, "Press
#3. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping
beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't
get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a
distant convenient store) would have a battery to
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing
it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check
about the batteries. It's a long walk."
#4. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none
too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a
secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank
piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and
proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
#5. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a
large motor home was towed into the garage. The
front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me
that the driver had set the "cruise control" and
then went in the back to make a sandwich.
It Just Makes Sense!
When I die, I want to die
like my grandfather-- who died peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in
his car."-- Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you
have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do
what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children" --Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why
didn't you say so? There's a support group for
that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at
the bar." -- Drew Carey
"Instead of getting married
again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house," -- Rod Stewart
"My Mom said she learned how
to swim when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they
weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --
"If life were fair, Elvis
would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead." -- Johnny Carson
Do you know why they call it
"PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --
Unknown, presumed deceased.
A young man named John received a parrot as
a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an
even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the
bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced
John tried and tried to change the bird's
attitude by consistently saying only polite,
words, playing soft music and anything else
he could think of to "clean up" the bird's
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at
the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John
shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier
and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw
up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot
squawked and kicked and screamed. Then,
suddenly there was total quiet! Not a peep
was heard for over a minute! Fearing that he
had hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the
door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's
outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may
have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my
John was stunned at the difference in his
attitude and as he was about to ask what had
made such a dramatic change when the bird
continued......"May I ask what the Turkey
Cats and Dogs
From a Dog's Daily
8:00 a.m. Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite!
9:30 a.m. Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favorite!
9:40 a.m. Oh Boy! A Walk! My Favorite!
10:30 a.m. Oh Boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My
11:30 a.m. Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite!
Noon Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favorite!
1:00 p.m. Oh Boy! The Yard! My Favorite!
4:00 p.m. Oh Boy! To the Park! My Favorite!
5:00 p.m. Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite!
5:30 p.m. Oh Boy! Pretty Mums! My Favorite!
6:00 p.m. Oh Boy! Playing Ball! My Favorite!
6:30 p.m. Oh Boy! Watching TV with my Master! My
8:30 p.m. Oh Boy! Sleeping in Master's Bed! My
From a Cat's Daily Diary:
Day 183 of my captivity. My captors continue to
taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine
lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. They only thing that keeps me going is the
hope of escape, and the mild scolding I get from
ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my
attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must
try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to
disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to vomit on their favorite
chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a
mouse and brought them the headless body in an
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of,
and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They
only cooed and condescended about what a good little
cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of
gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary confinement throughout the event. However,
I could hear the noise and smell of food. More
importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due
to my power of "allergies." I must learn what this
is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and
maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and
seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a
half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be
an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I
am certain he reports my every move. Due to his
current placement in the metal room, his safety is
assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of
Conversions and Equivalents
of an igloo's circumference to its diameter - Eskimo
pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton
millionth of a mouthwash = one microscope
between slipping on a peel and hitting the pavement
= One bananosecond.
of a large intestine; One semicolon
million aches = One megahurtz
million microphones = One megaphone
mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
Cards = One decacards
millionth of a fish = One microfiche
nickels = Two paradigms
Time for Blonde Jokes
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she
decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She
went to a local park, grabbed a little boy,took him
behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped
your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the
money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind
the big oak tree in the park at 7AM."
Signed, "The Blonde." She pinned the note inside
the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight
The next morning, she returned to the park to find
the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree,
just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the
cash was the following note.
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one
blonde would do this to another."
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a
river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other
side?" The second blonde looks up the river then
down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It
was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on
Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in
a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it
on or off?"
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the
driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I
didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I
thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and
down along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news
for you!" I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so
happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing
heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she
told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I
grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her,
"That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she
said "Oh, honey. There's more." I asked, "What do
you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having
just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting
pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said.....
(You're going to love this!)
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart
and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a
twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had
acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their
names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend
said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like
that?" "HellOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're
too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to
make the in-flight "safety lecture" and
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned
seating, you just sit where you want) passengers
were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People,
people, we're not picking out furniture here,
find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight, with a very
"senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin
lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be
sure to take all of your belongings. If you're
going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,
but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the
business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a
stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over
the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on
a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because,
after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee:
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa :
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just
like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't
be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs.
If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees
with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have
them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
than Southwest Airlines"
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for
flotation; and, in the event of an emergency
water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to
gather all of your belongings. Anything left
behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children
13. And from the pilot during his welcome
message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a
very hard landing in Salt Lake City : The flight
attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are
thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight
into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy
and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant
said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo
. Please remain in your seats with your seat
belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a
less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please
remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his ship into
the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the
door while the passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He
said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a
hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except
for a little old lady walking with a cane. She
said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot.
"What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in
Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door
and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival
announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for
flying with us today. And, the next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the
skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of US Airways."
20 Heard on a Southwest Airline flight.
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the
smoking section on this airplane is on the wing
and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em"
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy
Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising
altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is
your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number
293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The
weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should
have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
back and relax....OH, MY GOD!" Silence
followed, and after a few minutes, the captain
came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight
attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot
coffee in my lap. You should see the front of
my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's
nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to
the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
An invisible man married an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
I went to a seafood disco the other night -- and
pulled a mussel.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender
says, "I'll serve you, but don't start
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
under his arm and says: " A beer please, and
one for the road."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and
got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the
reception was great!
A woman sends her friend her ten best puns
hoping that her friend would get a laugh from at
least one of them. No pun in ten did!
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick .
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and
twitches? A nervous wreck.
What do you call four bullfighters in
quicksand? - Quattro Sinko!
Where do you find a dog with no legs? - Right
where you left him
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
What do you call a young woman with one leg
shorter than the other? Eileen
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on
How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way,
unique up on it.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They
take the psycho path.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? -
What do you get from a pampered cow? - Spoiled
What's the difference between roast beef and pea
soup? - Anyone can roast beef.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
How do you get holy water? You boil the hell
out of it.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?